The idea of coming home was a lingering thought in the back of my head throughout most of the trek. Based off of what I've heard from past trekkers I knew of some of the things to expect. Things like depression, anger, or a sense of hopelessness being in the states. But, now that I'm actually back, I think the biggest hurdle that I need to jump is this feeling of being blank. I really just don't know how to confront all of the emotions and so I've thrown myself into this whirlwind of nothingness in order to compensate for all the emotions that I'm scared to confront. My initial thought was that I would just need to stay busy. But even amidst reunions and sharing partial pieces of my story over the summer, I just get this overwhelming feeling of blankness.
Upon first coming home and arriving at SFO, I'd say anger and resentment at the United States was the first initial emotion that came up. Things like being in a line waiting for the security checkpoint was very upsetting for me and I became very judgmental of the people around me that constantly complained about why the line was taking so long even though they were in the "business-select" line. After that initial anger stage, I went into the stage I'm in now, and have been in that stage ever since. It seems as if I'm in this stage of isolation, in which, I don't really want to have those feelings of anger towards the US, or having feelings of depression by looking back at what I left behind in the Philippines, so I'll just do things like sleep in order to pass the time until I'm "well" enough to go back into normal routine again.
During debrief in Thailand, one of my biggest fears was that I'd jump right back into routine. I consider myself to be someone that is always in need of having a plan in motion, whether it be on a daily basis, or life in general. Being in the Philippines really broke down that ideal and taught me how to live in the moment. For much of my time living at the center I had no clue as to what the schedule was for the day. So while I planned to wash clothes, or take a nap, or even sit down to journal, a new plan came in to disrupt what I thought I was set to do. To put it into perspective, I was all set to wash clothes. If you've ever washed clothes by hand, you'll understand, because it is definitely something that needs to be planned ahead of time. You have to take into account the 2-3 hours it takes you to wash the clothes, as well as the days and nights it will take to dry amidst the moist weather of Manila. So anyways, I was set to wash clothes, I was outside, in my underwear, filling up a bucket of soapy water, when Chris walked out and told me that Tatay Joan, our center parent, had planned to go to the mall. So, there I stood, in my underwear, with my heart set on washing clothes, and I had to leave to the mall. A completely different plan then I had in mind.
It was then that I realized that my life was full of plans. My routine was so specific and to the point that I had even gotten to the point where I was living to schedule God into my life. So, I don't know about you, but God is a bit big to really schedule into what WE want to do. As I journalized that, I looked at the phrase, and something said, to turn it around. "What does it look like for me not to schedule God into my plan, but for God to schedule ME into HIS plan?" After this, I started to just live in the moment. Allowing God to do what He willed for me. But, going to Bangkok, I realized, that living like that is nearly impossible to do in the US. That there needs to be a plan for everything. I began to look into my life, and see the plans that I had set for me, as God started to reveal more and more about His will, and became super overwhelmed at what in the world God was doing.
So again, I guess to bring things back, I'm still in a state of confusion and processing now. And amidst it, I'm realizing that I'm really hard on myself when it comes to having everything figured out. So, right now. I don't have anything figured out, and I'm pretty much in a state of flux with so many paths and directions that I want to plan out now, but in reality, I can't do.
So to close, I'd love your prayer. Not that I'd figure things out, but more so, that God reveals more of Himself to me. That as I yearn to know God more, that He would give me a sense of direction that is not of me, but is fully of His will alone. Which is saying a lot. But a prayer is that God would do whatever it takes.
So yeah, that's a lot to unpack. I do feel better after writing that. Don't worry, my blogs won't be this depressing in the future and I'll be sure to share more about the amazing amazing things God did over this summer experience.
May the God of hope, peace, love, joy and justice bless each and every one of you this week. And may His Kingdom come and His Will be done in each of our lives.
No comments:
Post a Comment