Success?

I haven't done one of these in awhile, but it seems like now would be a good time, since I'm awake and read enough to get a 'decent' grade on tomorrow's reading quiz.

So, I have a counter cultural view of success. It seems like success can be defined as making money, or being popular, or if you're in the business world it's mostly about numbers. And since transferring from a community college to a four year university, I have really felt the pressure of achieving that form of success, even though those things are not super important to me.

For instance, you can go back in my notes and read a short story I posted a long time ago called, "The Awkward Conversation." In short, it's basically about the breaking down of barriers when a young businessman encounters a homeless man in the restroom. The final scene of that short story is meant to be an allegory of the small steps that are being taken in order to lessen the chasm between the homeless man and the businessman with readers getting the visual of the businessman's, expensive latte, and the grimy water left behind from the homeless man's makeshift, public restroom, shower, being swirled together as they drain into the sink. Basically, it's supposed to show that there are small steps that are lessening that gap between the rich and the poor, but it is still a long road. You can read it yourself.

But, in my screen writing class, we were asked to make screenplays for our final, and so I redid my short story into a script.

On monday, I volunteered to have my script read in front of class. And so I casted characters and such and received feedback from the professor and the rest of the class. While some of the feedback was well warranted, I felt that a lot of people did not understand the allegory behind the ending. And I received a lot of advice to make it more sellable, with more dialogue, make it a comedy because the audience cares a lot more about laughing then they do about a reason or a purpose.

So, for one, I'm realizing that I'm different. But also, amidst reading, in my Avant Garde class, about some old visionary avant garde film, with artists that would shoot films that are so anti-audience, I can see that my idea of success is a bit different.

In the making of my script, for example, my idea of it being a successful script, is whether or not it pushes people to question the idea of whether or not their barriers are way too high, to the point that they don't realize the person behind the poor as opposed to the class' point of view on success, which is, "Is it sellable? Will be people watch? Will I make money off of it?" So, I guess in the midst of this, I'm realizing a lot about success.

A lot would not consider a career as an InterVarsity staff, living at or near or just above poverty line, as a successful career. But, after applying, and having been in InterVarsity for several years and seeing the transformative, healing, change it's made in my life, I actually see success as these passions coming true and these passions of mine taking root in the things that are happening in young student's lives on college campuses. I see success in knowing that what I'm doing is making a difference in the world, as opposed to just making a difference in my bank account.

I guess my idea of success is measured by love as opposed to budget. I've never asked myself whether or not it's worth it? Is it worth it to give up my family's dreams of being an english teacher or writing scripts and making big money? Is it worth not living the 'American Dream?'

So, as I'm asking myself this question right now. Absolutely. It's absolutely worth it.

What's your idea of success?

Here's a link to the short story.

http://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=15327803133

Washing Feet

I can look back and think of at least three times where I've either lead a Bible study or given a talk on the passage where Jesus washes the disciples feet and so yesterday at our vision team meeting for InterVarsity the first thought that went through my head when I learned that we'd be going over that passage again was that I already knew everything there is to know about that passage.

In the past God has redefined that passage from more than just a "service" passage but a passage where God reveals the dirt he takes on. He chooses to wash the disciples feet and dry them with the towel that he's wearing. In those days, of course, everyone wore sandals and walked through dirt and dusty roads daily. And, to add to it, the disciples have been following Jesus for years, walking everywhere with Him. So, it's easy to realize that when Jesus washed their feet, he got a good amount of the dirt on their feet all over Himself, taking on their dirt, but at the same time, revealing the dirt that the disciples had on themselves.

At debrief in Bangkok, the Manila trek team, did a short sketch about the beauty of Manila, to present to the other teams. One of the biggest revelations that we had during that sketch was that as "missionaries" we were expected, and expected ourselves, to go into Manila and wash the feet of the children, host-families, at-risk youth, and abused women that we lived with. But this was completely turned around when we realized that these same people that we intended to help, ended up sitting us down, and washing out feet instead.

As we went over the passage yesterday at our vision team meeting, I felt tears welling up in my heart because I realized that these people, the same people that are looked at as poor, and broken, and dirty, were willing to take on our dirt and wash our feet. That although they take on more than I've ever experienced in my life, they were willing to take on even more by serving me and washing my feet. And in doing this, they helped me so much in making me realize the dirt in my life that was either hidden or repressed in the past.

So, with being home, I'm definitely in an area in my life where these things have been revealed and where I'm still figuring out a lot of what God has done through being in Manila but I'm very hopeful with where God is moving throughout everything that has been revealed. This has allowed me to see the trek as not an end, but a beginning. At first, I thought that I was supposed to have everything about the trek figured out, but in reality, God revealed so much to me and it will take me a few years to really figure out what He did in Manila, but when he does reveal more to me about what He did, I'm very hopeful for where that transformation will leave me.

May the God of love, joy, peace, happiness, and justice bless each of us as we continue on our journey of understanding Him just a little bit more. May we always be willing to take on the dirt of others, but also vulnerable to let our dirt be revealed to others.

Back!

So, I'm just going to apologize now for this blog. It's 3:16am and I'm still jet-lagged and I feel that it would help to just jot down some emotions. Which means, that this blog will probably be a jumbled recording of the chaos that is revolving in my head right now.

The idea of coming home was a lingering thought in the back of my head throughout most of the trek. Based off of what I've heard from past trekkers I knew of some of the things to expect. Things like depression, anger, or a sense of hopelessness being in the states. But, now that I'm actually back, I think the biggest hurdle that I need to jump is this feeling of being blank. I really just don't know how to confront all of the emotions and so I've thrown myself into this whirlwind of nothingness in order to compensate for all the emotions that I'm scared to confront. My initial thought was that I would just need to stay busy. But even amidst reunions and sharing partial pieces of my story over the summer, I just get this overwhelming feeling of blankness.

Upon first coming home and arriving at SFO, I'd say anger and resentment at the United States was the first initial emotion that came up. Things like being in a line waiting for the security checkpoint was very upsetting for me and I became very judgmental of the people around me that constantly complained about why the line was taking so long even though they were in the "business-select" line. After that initial anger stage, I went into the stage I'm in now, and have been in that stage ever since. It seems as if I'm in this stage of isolation, in which, I don't really want to have those feelings of anger towards the US, or having feelings of depression by looking back at what I left behind in the Philippines, so I'll just do things like sleep in order to pass the time until I'm "well" enough to go back into normal routine again.

During debrief in Thailand, one of my biggest fears was that I'd jump right back into routine. I consider myself to be someone that is always in need of having a plan in motion, whether it be on a daily basis, or life in general. Being in the Philippines really broke down that ideal and taught me how to live in the moment. For much of my time living at the center I had no clue as to what the schedule was for the day. So while I planned to wash clothes, or take a nap, or even sit down to journal, a new plan came in to disrupt what I thought I was set to do. To put it into perspective, I was all set to wash clothes. If you've ever washed clothes by hand, you'll understand, because it is definitely something that needs to be planned ahead of time. You have to take into account the 2-3 hours it takes you to wash the clothes, as well as the days and nights it will take to dry amidst the moist weather of Manila. So anyways, I was set to wash clothes, I was outside, in my underwear, filling up a bucket of soapy water, when Chris walked out and told me that Tatay Joan, our center parent, had planned to go to the mall. So, there I stood, in my underwear, with my heart set on washing clothes, and I had to leave to the mall. A completely different plan then I had in mind.

It was then that I realized that my life was full of plans. My routine was so specific and to the point that I had even gotten to the point where I was living to schedule God into my life. So, I don't know about you, but God is a bit big to really schedule into what WE want to do. As I journalized that, I looked at the phrase, and something said, to turn it around. "What does it look like for me not to schedule God into my plan, but for God to schedule ME into HIS plan?" After this, I started to just live in the moment. Allowing God to do what He willed for me. But, going to Bangkok, I realized, that living like that is nearly impossible to do in the US. That there needs to be a plan for everything. I began to look into my life, and see the plans that I had set for me, as God started to reveal more and more about His will, and became super overwhelmed at what in the world God was doing.

So again, I guess to bring things back, I'm still in a state of confusion and processing now. And amidst it, I'm realizing that I'm really hard on myself when it comes to having everything figured out. So, right now. I don't have anything figured out, and I'm pretty much in a state of flux with so many paths and directions that I want to plan out now, but in reality, I can't do.

So to close, I'd love your prayer. Not that I'd figure things out, but more so, that God reveals more of Himself to me. That as I yearn to know God more, that He would give me a sense of direction that is not of me, but is fully of His will alone. Which is saying a lot. But a prayer is that God would do whatever it takes.

So yeah, that's a lot to unpack. I do feel better after writing that. Don't worry, my blogs won't be this depressing in the future and I'll be sure to share more about the amazing amazing things God did over this summer experience.

May the God of hope, peace, love, joy and justice bless each and every one of you this week. And may His Kingdom come and His Will be done in each of our lives.

TOMORROW!

Tomorrow is the day. For a long time I've been really excited about this trip, but my nerves started to set in last week. I really don't know what it is that I'm nervous about. Whether it's overcoming cultural barriers, or being in a boldly different environment then I'm accustomed to. This really is a giant leap that I'm making in this trip and it has just set in that this is really happening. In less than 24 hours I will be boarding a flight to San Francisco Airport to meet a group of people that I've never met before but that I will be calling my family for the entire summer. A few hours after meeting them, we'll each be spending a long 14 hour flight to Thailand where we'll be challenged and trained for what we're about to be experienced. After three days of that we'll all be in Manila, living with host families and working with at risk youth in Manila.

I don't know about you, but there are A LOT of first that are going on in this trip. I try to tell myself that I like change, but in reality, I can't stand change. This is going to be drastically different then anything I've ever experienced and it makes me very nervous. It's funny that I'm writing this and the only thing that comes to mind is this scene from the movie, "Garden State."

I attempted to look for the scene on YouTube but I couldn't find it. But, anyways, the scene had the two main characters chatting in a room, and Natalie Portman's character, Sam, encourages Zach Braff's character, Largeman, to do the most random action/noise ever in order to say that you were the first person ever, to do that exact movement, at the exact time, in that exact location. Sam goes on to do a random motion/noise/dance and says, that was the first time I've ever done that in this spot. I don't know if you guys are getting this, you might need to see it yourself to understand, but anyways, what I'm trying to say is that often, when we think of ourselves doing something new, we are nervous for it, but in the scene, Sam embraces new moments and enjoys it.

I think in the same way, this opportunity leaves me with the opportunity to tell a story about how God challenged me to break the mold, and do a crazy new thing. And instead of being nervous about it, I should be excited to tell that story and come out laughing and enjoying myself because of it.

So, with that, I just want to thank each of you for being a part of this journey with me. This blog really is a reflection of what God has been showing me and I'd hope that each of these blogs may have spoken something to you as well. Thank you for all of your love, support, and prayers.

While I won't be able to update the blog while I'm gone, feel free to check out the InterVarsity Global Urban Trek website at

http://www.urbana.org/trek/2009/manila-philippines

There should be updates and pictures posted while I am gone.

Please continue praying for this trip and for everyone else who is attending. That God would rock our worlds and shape us into the people he has intended us to be.

Thank you again and may the God of hope and peace and love bless each of you as you yearn deeper for his presence in your lives.

Tabo Shower

Tabo (n.) according to Filipino-English translator: dipper

So, basically, a tabo is a small bucket with a handle that can be used to shower. So, in my house, we've discovered recently that we have a leak in our hot water pipes. For the past couple days, my step-dad has been trying to repair it, but it's only gotten worse. This morning, this meant that I would not have a hot shower, but that instead, I'd be using a tabo to shower. My first initial thought was that, "I am NOT in the Philippines yet, why am I using this tabo already!"

Of course, the first splash of water across my back was absolutely freezing and I felt all the warmth that I had stored in my body quickly fade out of it. But, upon showering, I realized how economical and efficient it was to be using a tabo. I then realized, how smart it is to be using a tool like that in order to save water, time, and money. I then looked deep into my heart and realized that for others around the world, this is the only alternative. Where there isn't hot water, or shower heads.

I think this moment is a moment that will not only prepare me for cold water showers, but it will really prepare my heart for the idea of what it looks like to live the simple life. To see what it's like to enjoy living economical, and finding joy amidst having to do certain things. After awhile, I had a lot of fun using cold water and couldn't help but smile at the fact that I was freezing. I guess you could call it cold shivers.

May the God of hope and peace and love show each of you the beauty of living life simply. May we each live life with joy amidst circumstances and trials because we live for a God who loves us.

Leaving a Legacy

For the past month or so, the idea of leaving a legacy has really been on my mind. The theme has popped up everywhere for me. This past Sunday the idea of a legacy really came true for me. When I was at Southwestern College, I remember doing a large group series about leaving a legacy, and on the first large group, Chris Wheatley mentioned that he had a teacher in high school that left a legacy, or finger-print, in him as well as many other students the teacher worked with. And, although the program he was in wasn't meant to be a Christian program, it taught many of the students the character of God's love. This teacher for him, was someone who left a legacy in him, and was one of the earlier things that taught him to love.

This past Sunday at church I was given the opportunity to share my plans for this summer with the congregation. As I was sharing, I couldn't help but notice that my fourth grade teacher was sitting towards the front right side of the congregation, and all I could see was tears in her eyes. Afterwards she gave me a hug and said how proud she was of me for going on missions this summer.

I really feel that, as Chris had someone to leave a legacy in him, my fourth grade teacher is someone that has left a lasting fingerprint on me. From fourth grade, all the way until I found New Hope Church, I had no idea that she was a Christian, but seeing her at my job was a crazy experience, and once I knew that she was Christian, everything seemed to come together for me. It makes complete sense that fourth grade was the grade that I started actually getting A's on my report card. It was the grade where I received super citizen and super scholar awards multiple times in the year. And, it was the grade where I had an amazing teacher, that instilled a good sense of character in me, with encouragement and partnering. I look back and see that the reason I love writing, was because in the fourth grade, I had trouble with a short story, and she gave me a good start, and I was able to finish it, and she encouraged me so much with how much she enjoyed the finished product.

So, it makes complete sense to me now, that this person was in my life at the time she was. To leave an amazing legacy and to plant a finger print for God to use in the future. A lot of who I am today, is based on what I learned in the fourth grade.

It means so much to me, to know that throughout this entire journey, she would be there, so proud of me, 12 years later, as I'm taking a new journey in my life. So, thank Mrs Sanders, so much for planting the fingerprint on my spiritual walk and identity.

May the God of hope and peace and love bless each of you as He uses each of you to plant your own legacy in this world in His name. Would God's love be planted like a tree, branch by branch, among His beloved children and may these legacies leave fingerprints of spiritual identity in you all.

passport!

My passport arrived today.  You may think I'm strange but I decided to break the mold in choosing to smile in my passport picture.  I made sure and I asked the kind lady at the post office whether or not it was okay for me to smile and she said that I should just go for it, so I did.  And now I have the happiest passport I've ever seen.

I think in this entire process of preparing for my trip I've really found joy in the most simple of things.  Being able to enjoy myself in going to the post office to take my passport picture or to buy stamps, or writing little notes on my letters, or asking family and friends for their addresses on facebook.  I feel that these could easily just become bland tasks to get over with as I'm looking at the big picture of going to the Philippines this summer, but I think process is just something that many people have forgotten about and left God out of.  We look to big pictures and asking God to get us to these places, but along the process we forget all about God and we leave him out of it.  

I'm currently taking an English course taught by the chair of the English department and it's really uplifting to hear his views for the college student.  I think often times the college discouraged students from learning, and makes them do what they want or "just enough"  to pass.  My professor gave us the opportunity to do an essay where we're able to learn amidst the process.  He didn't want a finished product, but he wanted us to write, amidst the process of researching and discovering new things about the themes of the essay.  It's great to know that we still have professors that care about how we learn, and not just what we learn.  I actually ended up getting an A- on my paper because I decided to step outside the box, and make my own prompt that wasn't on his list of prompts, while trying something new and creative.  

So moving on.

The cool thing is, God wants to be a part of the process.  He loves it when He gets to be a part of these things in our lives, big and small, and bring us joy throughout it.  I think I've enjoyed allowing God into these tasks in my life and he's brought me a lot of joy from the most simplest things.  Being able to reconnect with people I haven't really talked to in awhile, or unify past divisions in my family by sending out letters to my loved ones.

So, may the God of hope, peace, patience, love and kindness bless each of you.  May we live in a world that isn't stuck on the idea of having a final solution or answer to everything, but may we live amidst the process of allowing God into our lives as we seek out the answers we look for.  God, will you continue to work deeply in our lives as we look to you and invite you into every aspect of who we are.  May our smiles be a sign of the joy You grant to us in our lives.  Let it be done.