Washing Feet

I can look back and think of at least three times where I've either lead a Bible study or given a talk on the passage where Jesus washes the disciples feet and so yesterday at our vision team meeting for InterVarsity the first thought that went through my head when I learned that we'd be going over that passage again was that I already knew everything there is to know about that passage.

In the past God has redefined that passage from more than just a "service" passage but a passage where God reveals the dirt he takes on. He chooses to wash the disciples feet and dry them with the towel that he's wearing. In those days, of course, everyone wore sandals and walked through dirt and dusty roads daily. And, to add to it, the disciples have been following Jesus for years, walking everywhere with Him. So, it's easy to realize that when Jesus washed their feet, he got a good amount of the dirt on their feet all over Himself, taking on their dirt, but at the same time, revealing the dirt that the disciples had on themselves.

At debrief in Bangkok, the Manila trek team, did a short sketch about the beauty of Manila, to present to the other teams. One of the biggest revelations that we had during that sketch was that as "missionaries" we were expected, and expected ourselves, to go into Manila and wash the feet of the children, host-families, at-risk youth, and abused women that we lived with. But this was completely turned around when we realized that these same people that we intended to help, ended up sitting us down, and washing out feet instead.

As we went over the passage yesterday at our vision team meeting, I felt tears welling up in my heart because I realized that these people, the same people that are looked at as poor, and broken, and dirty, were willing to take on our dirt and wash our feet. That although they take on more than I've ever experienced in my life, they were willing to take on even more by serving me and washing my feet. And in doing this, they helped me so much in making me realize the dirt in my life that was either hidden or repressed in the past.

So, with being home, I'm definitely in an area in my life where these things have been revealed and where I'm still figuring out a lot of what God has done through being in Manila but I'm very hopeful with where God is moving throughout everything that has been revealed. This has allowed me to see the trek as not an end, but a beginning. At first, I thought that I was supposed to have everything about the trek figured out, but in reality, God revealed so much to me and it will take me a few years to really figure out what He did in Manila, but when he does reveal more to me about what He did, I'm very hopeful for where that transformation will leave me.

May the God of love, joy, peace, happiness, and justice bless each of us as we continue on our journey of understanding Him just a little bit more. May we always be willing to take on the dirt of others, but also vulnerable to let our dirt be revealed to others.

Back!

So, I'm just going to apologize now for this blog. It's 3:16am and I'm still jet-lagged and I feel that it would help to just jot down some emotions. Which means, that this blog will probably be a jumbled recording of the chaos that is revolving in my head right now.

The idea of coming home was a lingering thought in the back of my head throughout most of the trek. Based off of what I've heard from past trekkers I knew of some of the things to expect. Things like depression, anger, or a sense of hopelessness being in the states. But, now that I'm actually back, I think the biggest hurdle that I need to jump is this feeling of being blank. I really just don't know how to confront all of the emotions and so I've thrown myself into this whirlwind of nothingness in order to compensate for all the emotions that I'm scared to confront. My initial thought was that I would just need to stay busy. But even amidst reunions and sharing partial pieces of my story over the summer, I just get this overwhelming feeling of blankness.

Upon first coming home and arriving at SFO, I'd say anger and resentment at the United States was the first initial emotion that came up. Things like being in a line waiting for the security checkpoint was very upsetting for me and I became very judgmental of the people around me that constantly complained about why the line was taking so long even though they were in the "business-select" line. After that initial anger stage, I went into the stage I'm in now, and have been in that stage ever since. It seems as if I'm in this stage of isolation, in which, I don't really want to have those feelings of anger towards the US, or having feelings of depression by looking back at what I left behind in the Philippines, so I'll just do things like sleep in order to pass the time until I'm "well" enough to go back into normal routine again.

During debrief in Thailand, one of my biggest fears was that I'd jump right back into routine. I consider myself to be someone that is always in need of having a plan in motion, whether it be on a daily basis, or life in general. Being in the Philippines really broke down that ideal and taught me how to live in the moment. For much of my time living at the center I had no clue as to what the schedule was for the day. So while I planned to wash clothes, or take a nap, or even sit down to journal, a new plan came in to disrupt what I thought I was set to do. To put it into perspective, I was all set to wash clothes. If you've ever washed clothes by hand, you'll understand, because it is definitely something that needs to be planned ahead of time. You have to take into account the 2-3 hours it takes you to wash the clothes, as well as the days and nights it will take to dry amidst the moist weather of Manila. So anyways, I was set to wash clothes, I was outside, in my underwear, filling up a bucket of soapy water, when Chris walked out and told me that Tatay Joan, our center parent, had planned to go to the mall. So, there I stood, in my underwear, with my heart set on washing clothes, and I had to leave to the mall. A completely different plan then I had in mind.

It was then that I realized that my life was full of plans. My routine was so specific and to the point that I had even gotten to the point where I was living to schedule God into my life. So, I don't know about you, but God is a bit big to really schedule into what WE want to do. As I journalized that, I looked at the phrase, and something said, to turn it around. "What does it look like for me not to schedule God into my plan, but for God to schedule ME into HIS plan?" After this, I started to just live in the moment. Allowing God to do what He willed for me. But, going to Bangkok, I realized, that living like that is nearly impossible to do in the US. That there needs to be a plan for everything. I began to look into my life, and see the plans that I had set for me, as God started to reveal more and more about His will, and became super overwhelmed at what in the world God was doing.

So again, I guess to bring things back, I'm still in a state of confusion and processing now. And amidst it, I'm realizing that I'm really hard on myself when it comes to having everything figured out. So, right now. I don't have anything figured out, and I'm pretty much in a state of flux with so many paths and directions that I want to plan out now, but in reality, I can't do.

So to close, I'd love your prayer. Not that I'd figure things out, but more so, that God reveals more of Himself to me. That as I yearn to know God more, that He would give me a sense of direction that is not of me, but is fully of His will alone. Which is saying a lot. But a prayer is that God would do whatever it takes.

So yeah, that's a lot to unpack. I do feel better after writing that. Don't worry, my blogs won't be this depressing in the future and I'll be sure to share more about the amazing amazing things God did over this summer experience.

May the God of hope, peace, love, joy and justice bless each and every one of you this week. And may His Kingdom come and His Will be done in each of our lives.